Misery by Stephen King

Paul Sheldon, best-selling romance author of the Misery Chastain series, finds himself in hands of his number one fan, Annie Wilkes, after drunk driving through a snow storm on a mountain road.  He wakes in extreme pain and a bad taste in his mouth because Annie didn’t drop a Tic-Tac before administering mouth to mouth.  Two lessons here: never drive drunk and never tongue kiss a mountain woman.  You don’t know where that thing has been.

 

Annie, being the kind hearted soul that she is, cares for Paul in a bedroom at her secluded farmhouse.  (Hello!  Secluded farmhouse, you know the shit is about to drop!)  Annie calls him a guest, but Paul soon realizes he’s a hostage.  Annie used to be a nurse and, like all former nurses, she keeps a well-stocked pharmacy in her home.  You name it she’s got it.  Of course, this was pre-Meth epidemic days.  Paul is severely injured and soon finds himself hooked on Codeine.  It’s the good stuff and the kind of drug everyone keeps stashed at home.  Just say NO, Paul.

Slowly, Paul gets better and Annie gets worse.  Not only did Annie save Paul’s life she also saved the finished manuscript he’s been working on.  Not realizing it’s only a first draft, Annie the super critic is pissed at the violence and cursing in the draft and Paul pays for it.  Annie withholds his drugs and Paul starts hurting (Come on, baby, I’ll suck your …)bad.  In an epiphany, Paul realizes the bitch is crazy.  With fans like her who needs crit partners.  But wait, it gets worse.

Paul’s latest novel, Misery’s Child, hits the shelves at the local Wal Mart.  Annie reads it in one sitting and freaks.  Misery is killed off (Oh, Lordy!).  Why the hell did he do that?  Annie does what?  She goes batshit crazy.  Which if crazy had belts like in Karate would give her a double fudge chocolate black belt in crazy.  When batshit crazy people leave you alone for two days because their afraid of how batshit crazy they are it’s ass puckering time.  Paul is near death when she returns all lovey-dovey and with a plan of her own.  Paul is to resurrect the dead Misery in his new book which he is to begin tout de suite (that means right now in French).

   

Paul, knowing how easy it is to write a novel agrees—Not!  He tries to reason with Annie.  It doesn’t work.  Why?  You know why.  She’s batshit craaazy!  Paul gets to work and nearly breaks his finger on the old fashioned typewriter Annie gives him.  Don’t complain, Paul, if you know what’s good for you.  Dumbass! Didn’t I tell you not to complain! 

Paul sneaks out of his room while Annie is running errands to look for more drugs, right.  He’s jonesin bad.  He’s ready to squeal like a pig to the first person to say he has a purdy mouth.  (note: that’s an obscure reference to Deliverance and has nothing to do with Misery).  On one trip, Paul learns just how batshit crazy Annie is.  She’s more than coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.  Annie was a very good serial killer.  She’s retired now, but the skills never go away.  Paul has another Oh, shit! moment.  But what can he do, right?  He’s got a monkey on his back, a crazy serial killer in the house, and he’s in a wheel chair in a house that isn’t wheel chair friendly.  It gets worse.

Annie knows Paul has been trippin.  Not only is she crazy, but she’s OCD.  As if he weren’t having enough trouble getting around, Annie cuts off his foot.  (This little piggy went to market.  This little piggy stayed home.  Fuck it, I take all of them and the house, too.  Slice!)  Paul is now Kunta Kinte from Roots.  Does Paul learn?  Hell no!  The dumb bastard complains about a missing letter on the typewriter.  I hope you weren’t planning on hitch-hiking, Paul, because Annie’s got your thumb.  She uses an electric knife she bought on the Home Shopping Channel. 

Finally, Finally!  A state trooper shows up looking for Paul.  Not a problem for Annie who has mad killer skills.  She stabs the cop with a wooden cross.  Maybe she thinks he’s a vampire, I don’t know.  Then she mulches him with the lawnmower.  Are you watching, Paul?  Then stop complaining.  Paul realizes if he is to escape it will be up to him.

Paul eventually finishes the new novel and Annie loves it.  She’s his number one fan, remember?  He talks Annie into a celebration.  She says cool.  “Let’s go dancing, Paul.  Wait, I cut off your your foot.  My bad.  Thumbs up!”  Things don’t go the way Annie thought they would at the end.  There’s a twist.  What is it?  I’m not telling.  The book is too good not to read.  You know what to do.  Read the damned book!  Don’t be lazy!

I read Misery when it was first published.  I was a lonely soldier pulling duty on a Turkish mountain overlooking the Black Sea.  It kept me sane.  I loved it then and still love it today.